A Message to my Former Hot Girl:
If my 2018 self could see my 2019 self, she would be SHOOK. Probably wouldn’t even recognize me. This time last year, I was a hot girl before my good sis Megan Thee Stallion made it poppin’. I was doing what I wanted, with no remorse, until it appeared in the form of conviction. I tried to run from it for a while, but to no avail. Toward the end of 2018, it was placed on my heart to be celibate. And I don’t mean sticking my toe in celibacy to see if the temperature is bearable, because I have definitely done that before too. I mean a full cannonball with no swim cap, no floaties… nothing.
So here we are. Blessed, and highly celibate.
My original idea was to wait until my one year anniversary of being celibate, so I could be like, “LOOK AT ME! I MADE IT A YEAR Y’ALL!” However, as we know, God laughs at our plans and then points us, sometimes not as gentle as we’d like, in the right direction. So here I am, a little passed the six month mark, and BOOM: I’m under attack. All of a sudden, my thoughts started going to places they weren’t supposed to. My body was feeling things that I couldn’t act upon and, to be honest, I was participating in conversations that I had absolutely no business being in. So what did I do? Well I didn’t turn to God, which was my first mistake. However, at the same time, I didn’t want to just act on it. So I found a happy medium. I reached out to some of my accountability partners, and that BARELY helped, because I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. My flesh wasn’t feeling it. So there I was, actually contemplating doing something that I know for a FACT God does not approve of, and I come across this post on Instagram. It reads, “Your past doesn’t need you, your future does.” I honestly believe that was God trying to reel me back in. I did my usual “Okay God, I hear you.,” and went to sleep shortly after that. I woke up the next day feeling a different spirit over me. Thank God. Almost got lost in the sauce.
This whole occurrence made me revisit why I became celibate in the first place. I have my reasons, of course, the reasons that I have concocted to make it make sense. Going through this little time period made me want to reconnect with the reasons I became celibate in the first place. The first and most obvious reason is that it’s the only thing that’s 100% effective against unwanted pregnancy and STDs. I’m just past the point in my life where I’m willing to play those games. We’re not in a health education class, so I won’t go into depth on that. Lol.
That reason is big, but this one is even bigger for me. It frees me of emotional, physical, and spiritual connections (soul ties) with someone other than my future husband. When you’re sexually active, there is so much more than the physical that comes with it. I know I probably sound like a part of someone’s parental unit, but just take a moment to think of the last sexual relationship you were in. How long did it take to cleanse your mind, body, and spirit of that person? And then factor in the fact that we repeat those cycles of dysfunction and clouded judgment with person after person. Whew, don’t even get me started. It’s so much. I speak from a place of transparency in my experience. I’m grateful for all the lessons I was able to learn through those experiences, but I would never even want to expose myself to the possibility of slipping back into that. It’s not worth compromising my mental, emotional, or spiritual well-being. Believe me.
The reasons above, believe it or not, sometimes isn’t enough for you to keep your commitment. You know what doesn’t fall through, ever? God’s word. That’s what it all boils down to. This scripture always gets me together, when need be.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
I’m big on milestones and dates so I keep track of almost everything, especially this. 6 months clean of the peen, and counting. My inner hot girl is dormant at the moment and when my flesh gets weak, I know who to turn to. For me to act like I am in charge of my body is ridiculous. For me to abuse something that belongs to God is absolutely crazy. God intended sex to occur within the covenant of marriage and, although I completely ignored that for most of my adult life, I have made a choice to do things the right way. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m not telling you how to live your life or condemn those who choose to live differently than I do. All I ask is that you look at the “cause and effect” of your decisions regarding sex or anything else you feel has a hold on you. Are you better off with ______? Experiencing spiritual, mental/emotional, or spiritual and growth? Are you in a healthy situation? Start there. If not, consider making some changes for the better of you. YOU ARE THAT VALUABLE.