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Confidence is Ki

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough. Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up. Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low? Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know.

- You Say by Lauren Daigle

The lyrics above are a good summation of how I often feel. Now, let me back up before the pity party ushers itself in. I’m aware of my great qualities, especially on my best days. I’m intelligent, hilarious, and I have the most transparent heart. However, on my bad days, I can REALLY beat myself up. Experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, negative beliefs about myself, and perfectionism all contribute to insecurities and causes my confidence to take a major hit. As I continue to plummet myself into God’s word and surround myself with Godly community, it’s been confirmed, time and time again, that I struggle with my confidence. So, just like anything else I’m battling with, I want to give it to God. It’s the only way I’ll overcome it.

Song of Solomon 4:7 You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.

I believe this, wholeheartedly. The issue lies in believing this more for others than I do for myself. I can encourage and compliment anyone at any time. For my friends? I have that PREMIUM gas. Expensive and unlimited. For me? Eh, I settle for unleaded, maybe. If that. God calls us to put others before ourselves, but he also feels the same about all of us. He sees us as flawless, although we are CLEARLY not. Why would I combat that? Why would I go against what the One who created me says? Now, it’s easy to think this while actively thinking about it, but I know I have some bad habits. My biggest one is that I make jokes about myself. I do this for multiple reasons. One, is that it lets me say the joke so no one can beat me to it. Two, humor is a huge defense mechanism for me, sometimes to the point where I don’t even realize I’m doing it. Although funny in the moment, I’m ultimately speaking ill of myself, which doesn’t please God. I have things that I’m actively trying to change about myself, which is fine. However, I know that God wants me to love myself through the process. Through every high and low, I’m still God’s child and I should treat myself as such.

Jeremiah 17:7 But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.

Some think self-confidence is amazing, but confidence in the LORD is greater. What will you do when self is weak, discouraged, or facing impossible adversity? You have to lean on Him, in ALL things, even the less obvious things. Of course you are supposed to lean on God with financial issues or trying to overcome a specific sin that currently has you hemmed up. Confidence is no different. My overall goal is to find validation, not in food, sex, or materialistic things that make people feel good, but only in Christ himself. I have to break things all the way down for myself, in order to internalize it, so I’ll say this. If God says I am beautifully and wonderfully made in Psalm 139:14, who am I to disagree? The song excerpt I referenced earlier goes on to say:

You say I am loved, when I can’t feel a thing. You say I am strong, when I think I am weak. And You say I am held when I am falling short. When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours. And I believe, oh I believe, what You say of me. I believe.

I always have songs like this one and Kirk Franklin's Imagine Me on repeat because I need constant reminders to see myself as God sees me. I want to constantly and actively combat the negative feelings I have about myself with God’s word, until it feels natural. Like anything in this walk, it takes practice, but give it some time. Soon I’ll gas myself up so much, I'll rarely need to fill up. However, when I do, I know where to go.

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